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I forgive you, you can be weak


I'm reviewing an incident during dinner yesterday. Where I felt helpless and frustrated because my wife was almost disallowed from entering to dine with us, while we were managing bags and our son.


In this environment of ambiguity and separation due to covid, unnecessary stress has brought about opportunities for me to understand myself.


At the moment when we were asked to show our vaccination status, we were struggling with child minding and juggling our bags. It didn't help that we couldn't enter to settle down first before retrieving the necessary documents. This was when I grew frustrated and irritated about the situation. My mood was affected throughout the dinner and my irritation was controlled but yet I wasn't present to my son or my wife. In fact I became more upset each time my son did something that i couldn't quite control, like swiping food off the table.


Post event, I took the opportunity to reach inwards for help.


Visualization in the guest house


I brought Love, Empathy and Security with me to the backyard. A child had found its way to the garden and seemed rather lost. This child, a familiar guest, was Guilt. He was about the age of 9, and is a little timid and uncertain of himself.


Guilt had arrived because there were a helplessness, a frustration from not being able to make things smooth and easy for the family. That Guilt couldn't and didn't do any good for his loved ones.


When we saw him, he was sitting by the stream, brooding. Love and Empathy sat beside him, and remained silent for some time. Until Guilt cried and between sobs, said "I wish I did more, or could do better." This was when he shared his vulnerability and allowed his friends to understand the helplessness and the desire to protect his loved ones, yet the outcome was less than ideal.


This was when Love and Security gave Guilt a big hug saying "you've done well, it is okay that you are weak, and you cannot change the past, what is important is in this present moment, you are loved and you are safe."


Sensing it was time Guilt forgave himself and let go of the need to control, the need to protect, the need to be perfect for others and for himself, Guilt took a stone on the ground, gave it a blessing "It is okay, I'm weak, I'm imperfectly perfect." He smiled, and threw the stone into stream, watching the gentle current flow on, as life flows on.



 


Wisdom


Practicing self forgiveness allowed me to express my desire to love and to protect and in the goodness of my intention to keep everyone safe and at ease, I grew frustration and angsty.


What I needed most was empathy, to support myself seemed my wife and child.


It then also dawned on me in my reflection why I yearned to protect my loved ones was an incident from my past, where I witnessed a molestation in front of my very eyes. I kept running the scene in my mind after that how I could have done more if I was bigger, taller and stronger. Had I grown up, perhaps I would have struck at the assailant.


Perhaps in time I can learn to forgive myself and let go if the bigger things that linger in the depths of my mind.


 

This is a related post to a chapter on self forgiveness in My Guest House book.


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