Self Forgiveness

Reflection

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As I reflect on this pattern of turning inwards to doubt, to blame, to wallow in my own self created despair... A brief awareness came to mind, that is visible in all aspects of trauma recovery, that it was time to be my own best friend. And I found the imagery of the nativity scene and the 3 magi, as a perfect trigger to change my identity and to honor my self. For I am divine, and I have been made god. Indeed in this identity, a savior was born to me (it is me).

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The three magi

In the season of Christmas, Christians celebrate the birth of their savior Jesus Christ. One story fascinates me which is the three magi from a distant land, navigating foreign terrains through the guidance of the star to Bethlehem, to witness and pay homage to this savior. In our own experiences, when we find ourselves in foreign lands, often uncertain, new and full of unknown hazards, it is useful to be aware that we have within us, the three magi who would guide us to our true inner wisdom. In this awareness, we are loved and we are safe. 

In our experience of pain, guilt, torment, trauma, our minds get fixated in the foreign fields of thoughts about what happened, how could others do that to me, why would I allow it to happen, how could I have prevented this. The list of questions go on in circles, spiraling to its peak before the system shuts down entirely. In such cases, the focus is on reparation, looking at my own self and being my own self's best friend to journey along my inner strife. I bring in the three magi within in, Love, Empathy and Security. These three wise men shall lead me on my path to healing, restoration and transformation. Each feeling serves a purpose, which is to protect you, honor your pain and to accompany you through the grief as a loving best friend would.

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Only when we see how wonderful and how awesome we are, that we truly forgive ourselves

When we begin to see how wonderful we are and even in our darkness, the very reason why we are bitter, resentful, hurt, is that we wish things were different, things were better. This desire is the very expression of the goodness and beauty in us. We just didn't quite know how to manifest this desire in a positive manner, neither could we stop at simply accepting and staying present to the desire for good itself. Instead we get caught in cycles of desolation.

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Hence I use images to redefine my identity, to step out of this death spiral. And the guest house visualization then guides me to self restoration.

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Start small

It is important to cultivate a habit of forgiveness of self by starting small and not going into big issues at the first attempt. This is to get used to experiencing the joy and freedom from no longer being encumbered and bogged down by such small events that accumulate over time. You will also begin to get used to your inner wisdom prompting you to contemplate events or topics to forgive self (or others). When I first started on this practice, my first week I had at least four dreams which led me to visualizing self forgiveness the very next morning. 

As it turns out, this would lead to healing of a deep seated wound from my childhood, which affected my self esteem and generated a habit of self blame and a belief that I was not good enough (and that it tends to be my fault when I meet with a setback). As God would will it, I developed rather quickly a series of forgiveness visualizations almost on a daily basis and on the third week, I managed to arrange with my hypnotherapist a session which would change my life forever. In my state of hypnosis, I was awake and aware that my super conscious self was directing me to a healing of a deep wound, calling me to love myself fully and to remain in that love of all of who I am, especially for my childhood lack of self love and self confidence. As I recall how I wept and how my body was pulsing with energy in my heart, gut and hands, I feel blessed for the opportunity to let go of my conscious self, and to seek a deeper wisdom which was to appreciate the miracle of God's creation - me!